Wednesday, June 1, 2011

PREPARE TO MEET THY... NO, SCRATCH THAT


June 1, 2011

Oops! Sorrysorrysorry. Sorreee! Yesyesyyes I know nobody was turned into a pillar of salt and no-one was crushed and burned by the molten lava but it’s still gonna happen. Verily. O yea.
The new Rapture date is May 21 2110. That’s definite this time. It’s when the great earthquake we were talking about will hit, transporting all believers to Heaven to meet Jesus while all non-believers will suffer those ghastly scorchings and squashings. And when that awful moment arrives calling out His name won’t help you because you’re too late, buddy. Should’ve thought of it before.
To the wonderful souls who prepared themselves for last Saturday’s non-Armageddon, an apology’s in the mail. Was it 200 million of you? You are the best. Not like those others who ignored the call and shopped at the mall instead, and that includes the overwhelming majority of Christians. How could they!
The new date isn’t new, just a revision: we got the year wrong. Our own secretary was on a hajj, a pilgrimage to Mecca – she’s a Muslim - so we hired a temp, and she mistyped, got the figures round the wrong way: 2011 instead of 2110. Oh well. Mistakes do happen. God forgives and you should too.
And speaking of happening, it still most decidedly is, but in 99 years’ time, so mark my words you folks who expect to be alive then... and prepare thineselves.
It will still be a worldwide event, beginning at 6pm Eastern Daylight Time with those in other U.S. time zones feeling the good or bad, depending, up to three hours later. The first place to be obliterated will be Christmas Island, out in the Pacific, which survived the British H-bomb test in 1957. Poor saps thought they’d had their fair share of devastation. However, with two thirds of its people Buddhist and Muslim and its 18 percent Christians somewhat out of touch this lot are doomed.
For us, though, there’ll be plenty of advance warning next time about getting your affairs in order, especially making provision for beloved pets who – sorry animal kingdom – will not be transported upward and will not be meeting Jesus. No, not even you parrots who’ve been trained to say the Lord’s Prayer. Sorry .
They’ll be left behind, to be roasted and flattened like the seven billion remaining humans, but worry not. For ten bucks payable now, a lady called Susan Moss will take care of your pets... if she’s still alive a century later. Same with Bart Centre who charged $110 for ten years’ coverage. No refund, however, for those gullible folks who coughed up the dough this time around; it was like an insurance and they should count themselves lucky they can still care for their pets themselves.
Family Radio president Harold Camping, 89, championed the Prepare To Meet Thy Doom movement. He told New York magazine: “I would be absolutely in rebellion against God if I thought anything other than it is absolutely going to happen without any question."
He’d done his own math and calcull... callcul.... worked out that May 21 2011 was precisely 7,000 years from the date of the Noah's Ark flood, and he laid it all out in his 2005 paperback Time Has An End, a used copy of which you can get for five bucks, probably just pennies now that time doesn’t.
What’s that on your face, Harold? Looks like egg. Maybe you’d like to wipe it off and revise your warning. Just like you didn’t once your previous Armageddon prediction of September 6, 1994 never happened and you remained phlegmatic. Hello? Harold? Helllo-ow? Guess he doesn’t want to talk right now.
Harold wrote the books and did the radio. Then there’s an original idea by Robert Fitzpatrick, a 60-year-old Staten Island retiree from New York’s Metropolitan Transportation Authority. Robert wrote his own paperback last year, The Doomsday Code, not terribly original, considering The DaVinci Code, and paid to have it published at $17. Nobody took any notice, of course, so he then spent his entire $140,000 retirement savings on placards and ads on city buses and subways proclaiming Armageddon. But only in New York City. My question: Why didn’t he warn the rest of us? There are loads of good, honest, Jesus-loving Christians down here in Dixie and that callous cad cast us all to the winds.
So it’s not the end of the world for the rest of humankind, not yet, however now that he’s broke I’m assuming it is for Robert.
And there’s Julie Baker, still alive and kicking herself, probably. I’m wondering if one of the items at her next yard sale will be the “King Jesus Returns May 21 2011” T-shirt she so proudly wore.
We are a religious nation but we’re far too open to crackpot ideas. You can interpret the Bible or the holy book of any other religion in so many different ways and extremists always seem to find the craziest interpretations – and the fervent disciples
We’ve had kooky religious soothsayers from Waco wack-job David Koresh to Pat Robertson to four-times-married tugboat captain Hal Lindsey who gave up after all his world-will-end predictions became world-continues events. He now makes a living declaring Obama a close pal of the Antichrist.
There’s a small coven in Walton County that puts me in that same damnable category. They will undoubtedly twist my words once more and claim that I’m attacking Christianity, which I most emphatically am not. Just the lunatic fringe.
Of course the true prophet, for those who like Nostradamus-type individuals, is my friend Paul Bannister, who presaged there would be no Rapture at 6pm on May 21 this year. And by golly was he ever right.
From now on I’m following Paul’s predictions.

ENDIT

© 2011 Fred Wehner is a journalist formerly with the Daily Mail in London, who then founded and ran the New York News Agency before settling in Monroe 21 years ago.