Wednesday, April 13, 2011

THE YEAR OF THE ROTTEN LYING CHOCOLATE RABBIT


April 13, 2011

Here you go, sugarpie, a nice chocolate bunny. Isn’t he just precious the way his roguish cartoon smile stretches halfway across the silver wrapping. He was the most adorable tyke on the shelf, so I got him for you. You like him?
Ooh, and I see you already received some other, different, ones. They’re cute too.
Just one thing, sweetie: I know I just gave you a whole Easter rabbit but he’s not all yours. I want you to go out now and find three friends to share him with. You see, if you eat that bunny all by yourself it’s 720 calories, half from fat, and that’s far too much for a little girl like you.
Reester Bunny from Reese’s, the Pieces people, might look like one complete rabbit, but the nice folks who make him say he’s really four parts, each with only 180 calories. That way we’re led to believe he’s not the bad boy he really is.
I paid $3 for him, he weighs 5oz and he’s only five inches tall. You can eat 1¼ inches, angel - the ears if you like, or the feet, but you must leave the rest.
Let’s go talk to these others; start with those petite eye-rolling triplets over there: Hippy, Happy and Hoppy. A dollar each and Hey! Why do you all keep hopping away? All I want to see is your... darn it... your ingredients list. Grab them, sweetiepie, turn them around and... you frauds!
On your boxes you say you’re milk chocolate, and then in much smaller letters ‘flavored’. Same with your baby sister Little Beauty. And now we see why, don’t we. It’s because there’s virtually no chocolate in you. You little girls are all sugar, no spice, no things nice. Instead you’re that horrid heart-clogging palm oil, partially hydrogenated trans fats and whey. Vile stuff. What disgusting, lying rabbits. We want nothing to do with them, do we, honeybunch?
The Palmer company that makes these “proudly in America” should change its name to The Palmoil Company because this is the awful additive they’re palming off onto our children. Especially the poor. What chance at a healthy life do poor kids have with heartless people poisoning them for profit?
Dude and Diva bunnies, $7 each, are also out of Palmer’s chemical warren, 12 inches tall and 14 ounces that include gobs of partially hydrogenated palm oil. They’re ten servings, so if you ate a whole one you’d have 2,100 calories of nastiness in you, more than half from fat. Best to find nine people to share this junk – nine you didn’t like.
Here’s Speedy. Hey, wait a minute, you’re the same size, weight and price as Reester Bunny, same calorie count. Oh, and I notice you’re a Hershey product, same as that Reester fellow. Figures, doesn’t it.
You’re another one pulling that “serving size” trick where you say you’re four 180-calorie portions. Speedy, that doesn’t make you much more truthful than the mendacious Palmer bunch.
Why are all these lop-ears being so dishonest? I always liked rabbits. The Watership Down gang were all wonderfully gentle and true. Now this. It’s like every single one of them is Bugs Bunny’s evil twin.
What’s up, doc? You’re saying I’ve got clogged arteries, heart disease, diabetes and I’m morbidly obese and it’s all because of these cottontail con artists and the despicable people who make them?
Cadbury’s. Now there’s a name you can trust. Except you can’t, not any more. Plump for their Creme Eggs and you fall prey to another villain of the food industry: the high fructose corn syrup that nutritionists say causes a whole bunch of illnesses. Eat their Caramel Eggs and once more your body’s being assaulted not just by that fructose goo but also the evil palm oil
Hershey’s have been making Cadbury’s in this country. Shame on them. Why DEA agents haven’t raided their Pennsylvania factory is a mystery to me. And it’s not due to that outfit’s bad ingredients or cringeworthy “serving size” shell game. It’s because that’s where they make the highly addictive Cadbury’s Mini Eggs, those insidious little artery-chokers in the oh-so-cute pastel colored sugar shell.
They’re the narcotic of Eastertime. Eat one and you’re hooked. Next, you’ve attached loops to the pack to hang it over your ears like a horse’s feed bag and pretty soon after that you’ve devoured the lot. Ten ounces and 1,330 calories. Say hello to a life in elastic waistbands.
True, these products aren’t as disgusting as, say, the 5-oz Russell Stover peanut butter coney of not one but two servings of partially hydrogenated garbage. Or Hershey’s yuckily hydrogenated Whopper Robin Eggs. And, for the same $2.68, a huge 18-oz bag of Peter’s Sweet Shop “goodies” from those Palmer laboratories. Just four of Peter’s tiny pieces will give you over 200 calories and a mouthful of bad chemicals. Many people complain about the strange non-chocolate taste of Palmer’s chocolate like the 440-calorie $1 Double Crisp Bunny, a five-inch supersweet 3-ounce lollipop that they say is two servings.
Hop Bunny is the same weight, a $5 confection from Frankford Candy, who also divide this little critter’s 460 calories, 240 from fat, into two. It’s made in China.
2011 is the Chinese Year Of The Rabbit, and this year Easter’s “edible” menagerie is out in force – straight out of the laboratory warren. Why do these test-tube candymakers want to fatten and sicken our children like this and how can we avoid them?
Well, if you’ve got $165 to spend on an Easter confection you can’t go wrong with Conrad’s Big Bunny where the manufacturers say that for eating you’ll need to smash off a piece with a hammer and be sure to wear eye protection. It’s 26 inches tall and pure, as are their rabbit-head lollipops, coconut eggs and all. No beastly chemical additives...
Um... not in the “chawclat” they themselves make insisted Ed, spokesman for the New Jersey firm. But then he admitted, as cautiously as a hare, that the trimmings they use do indeed contain that awful palm kernel oil. Is there no escaping this crap?
.
ENDIT

© 2011 Fred Wehner is a journalist formerly with the Daily Mail in London, who then founded and ran the New York News Agency before settling in Monroe 21 years ago.