Wednesday, March 2, 2011


March 2, 2011

Haddent you noticed? It’s now a much simpeller time.
BTW, I’m not talking about the curtailed e-blabbing that’s taken over the Internet, I’m aware that if I don’t LOL, LMAO and then ROFL at these e-breviations then I must be some kind of pre-computer pterodaccatyl.
But that’s a diffarent beef so it's irrevelent. What I’m asking is: What’s Happened To Our Langawage? I’m referring to the current populace who couldent, shouldent, wouldent or simpelly diddent want to learn our lusterous, sparkeling grown-up Engalish. So now they just spout this childalike gibberish like the loverly waiteress I know in the restraunt between the laundery and the public liberry who’s scared of lightening.
Sure, it’s comical, but hardly anyone’s chuckeling, and – even more scary – I seem to be the only one compelaining.
Doesent anyone speak Adult English any more?
There. I diddent ask ‘Can I ask you a question?’ before asking that question as probly everbody does these days. It's superfulous.
There are athaletes who suffer from arthuritis, burstitis and simular affalictions including prostrate problems. And it’s roomered a fellow was casterated with people wondering how he’s handeling the siteration. It must be flusterating for him.
No, we don’t all have immaculant grammar, me inclooded, but we’re facing an – I should say ‘a’ - epicdemic of epic proportions. And it diddent all just begin when the vastly misunderestimated George W. Bush carpetbombed our beloved Mother Of All Tongues with his shock-and-awe-style nookular contammunation. These abnormalies were around before him and after.
English has been under attack since Ingvaeonic gave way to Aenglisc; but these days the terrible deteriation is fixing to make me a maniac depressive, I tell you. It’s disasterous. Notwithstanding, I feel I have a moron responsibility to shout: Enough! Enough of this ridiculous new la-la jargon.
I can shout, but folks just give me a vacuumous look. They’re strangelling the language but somehow I’m the one who’s intellextually challenged?
It’s so infrustriating. Should I refudiate this bungeling of our treasured tongue, then folks will seize this operatunity to expouse the truthness of what I’m saying irregardless of its correctful nature, so evidentlally...
My bad.
On our local Atlanta news Tracy Martinez, covering a tornado, describes the dying storm as the ‘remanents’. Worse, NBC Nightly News anchor and managing director Brian Williams tells his viewers the storm was ‘monsterous’. Tut tut, a faux pas like that in his position is quiite disasterous. He should have leaved the word out.
But if a President can’t be a adult, then who can? A point worth countemplating.
“I am grateful to be in the presence of two men who served abelly and nobelly.” Thus spake Bush at the Manhattan Institute, referring to mayors Giuliani and Koch and leaving me wondering which of these two gents was “A Belly” and which “No Belly”. I know which one is a bum.
Notice I employded the word spake just now. Microsoft Word flagged this as wrong even though it is irrefutabelly correct. To be fair, Bill Gates’ outfit also picked up employded and irrefutabelly and all the other baby words I’ve outlined, but red-inked spake, a perfectly good Olde Englyshe word that’s only used for emphasis. And now MS Word also just flagged Olde and Englyshe.
A sign of the times, this rigamarole. Ignorance is king and that’s a troubelling concept.
This isn’t about mis-speaking. We all do that on occasion, my favorite fumble being Condoleezza Rice about the Passport Office snooping debacle a few years back. She’s like: “I will stay on top of it and get to the bottom of it.” I’d love to have watched her do that. Contortionista Rice.
And yet time and again on his CNN show I heard Professor Roger Cossack go: “Was he trying to subordinate perjury? Subordination of perjury is serious.” A crime as serious, I venture, as repeatedly suborning the English language, particly from one of TV’s best-known legal ortho... aurthor... experts.
So more hyenous crimes against the language and still nobody’s laughing. The babytalkers have already taken over the itinery, looks like permanentally. Donators of a new vocabelary. From being quite differnt from the ordery, this mindaless Infant English is now being conversated everywhere and it’s so aggaravating.
Before I’m accused of “elitism” I should point out that English – proper English – is the official language in this country, and that lazy distortions occur elsewhere, too. Probly one of the worst is in England, innit, where ‘Chav’ talk turns Margaret Thatcher into Margrit Fatcha, dunnit.
We’ve just had the “twenty-year anniversay” of her leaving office. You hear this banality for one-year anniversaries all the time now, five-year, six-year exetera. According to Webster, a anniversary, is ‘the annual recurrence of a date marking a notable event’. Oxford calls it the ‘yearly return of a date’. If it’s annual it is defined by the ordinal number, i.e. ‘first’ ‘fifth’ ‘sixth’ and so on. Yet in today’s Toddler Talk nobody knows what a ordinal is, let alone how to use it.
They say it on TV. And, to my horror, I heard a pundit called Alison Stewart speak of ‘the two-week anniversary’. A two-week annual occurrence! Did you know these yearly events can happen every fortnight? I didn’t. I’m like where does it stop, Ms Stewart? The eleven-day anniversary? The eleven-MINUTE anniversary?
What is it with our beautyful lingo? English is a living thing, true, which means it waxes and it wanes. Mercifully. Because Chaucer is torture to understand today and Beowulf bloody murder.
So fings change, dunnay? Therefore Valspeak, the language of L.A.’s San Fernando Valley, is no longer awesome, like toadally, kayokayokay, it’s not tre bitchin. And wiv Chav not goin’ dahn in popperlarity you might one day see a Valley Girl and a Essex Girl trying to make theyselves understanded. Janartamean? WhatEVERRRR.
Lazytalk, innit. I won’t even get into ghettospeak where the infant’s father is its ‘baby daddy’ and its mother a ‘ho’. Grown people are saying it. This is beyond banal.
The disteressing thing is that the Great Dumbing Down is so ubiquitous that even dragonian measures in our schools cannot reverse it. Aspiring valleydictorians take note.
You never hear of a heroine any more. No more heroines batteling evil, wresteling, if you will, with the, you know, villains; they’re heroes now along with the men.
They’ve joined the Jewesses and the actresses and comediennes and the blondes. Someone said ‘Man up!’ and consequentally these ladies undergoesed sex-change surgery to become Jews, actors, comedians and blonds.
The baby babble brigade haven’t yet masculinized airline hostesses and stewardesses and all their more elevated – in one sense - sorority sibalings like the countesses and the duchesses. But they will, they will.
“She’s a hero.” Yep. She got shooted and now she’s dead so her husband’s a widow.


© 2011 Fred Wehner is a journalist formerly with the Daily Mail in London, who then founded and ran the New York News Agency before settling in Monroe 21 years ago.